Hey all, I'm sorry I haven't posted for a week, but I'm back!
It's been a weird week, I guess. Or well, not that eventful. I don't even really remember what I did, other than going to appointments and my therapist. The only highlight of my week was on Saturday when I slept over my cousin's house. She is very awesome and it had been such a long time since I last saw her. I'm so glad we finally got to hang out.
We watched Scott Pilgrim VS The World and that movie was awesome. All I have to say is that everyone should go watch that movie right NOW. Anyway, after the movie we went to Best Buy so we could bring my cousin's laptop to get fixed. And then I watched my cousin dance to Poker Face by Lady Gaga on Xbox Kinect. That was fun too. I didn't dance though since there were people watching and that makes me anxious. >.>;;
Then we went to Old Country Buffet and there were slushies, which I love. Her dad brought us there to eat and it was pretty cool. When we got home I helped her with History stuff and then we went to bed. I woke up around four in the morning for some reason.
Now let's skip to today. I woke up at six in the morning and I was supposed to see my peer counselor, but she bailed. So now I don't have an appointment today, which makes me both happy and a little frustrated. I was a little mad that she cancelled because the agency that I deal with flips out when I don't have appointments, but how is it my fault that I don't have one if they cancel on me? Whatever.
*VENTING STARTS HERE, SO SKIP IF YOU WANT.*
Oh yeah, and I'm supposed to be going to this place called Career Works, which I'm familiar with because of my mom. If I knew that I was going to have to go there I would have signed up for it weeks ago instead of waiting for this idiot to "let me know" how things play out. I hate waiting. I just want to go back to school and start a job. I want to save up money so I can move out with Tim. I WANT TO START MY LIFE. And I feel like I'm being held back.
Since I'm already ranting, I might as well go on and let it all out.
I am feeling really insecure about my weight, and about my appearance in general. I feel like I'm just putting on more weight and I hate it. (I am putting on more weight, I check that shit.) And when it comes to eating I feel even worse. Sometimes I just eat without even thinking about it, and then I get pissed at myself for not realizing it. I want to lose weight so bad, but I'm the one holding myself back. And I don't even do it intentionally. This is why I started a gym membership, but that shit doesn't work half the time because A.) Tim doesn't "feel" like going. B.) I don't want to go by myself because my anxiety will surface, and C.) I have no one else to fucking go with.
I just want to stop eating in general and go to the gym everyday. Seriously.
Yes, I know that's not good for me. Do I care? No. So don't give me a lecture that I'm not going to listen to. Do us both a favor and don't waste my time.
Next, I hate not having money. Everything I get is either spent on bills, food, or random expenses that magically pop up. (Example: Tim's car.) And because of this I feel like I can't go out with friends, or in general. I don't go to the movies or anything, and I hate going to the mall with friends, not because I don't like spending time with friends, but because I can't buy anything. I hate going to a store and not being able to get anything. I find it pointless. And it doesn't help when other people have money and they buy shit and then I'm just standing there like, oh hai I'm broke. The only reason it's a good thing is because I get to hang with friends. But I would much rather just chill at some one's house.
Now, this one will be the last one I bring up, since I don't think I can handle thinking about anything else.
I keep thinking about that past. Now, most people don't know shit about my past, or anything that has happened to me. But I have nightmares, and they keep happening, every night. Tim is the only person who knows everything, and I don't want to bother him. I've just been getting anxiety attacks much easier, and some of them happen out of the blue. My depression has gotten worse too, sometimes I feel as bad as I used to when I was at my worst. And I don't want to go back to that. I don't want to end up in another hospital that isn't going to help me. I don't want to make my parents worry about me and think that they did something wrong. Because they didn't. And I try to tell them but they don't understand that the problem isn't them, it's me. I just want to be normal.
But that's not possible. Not after all that shit that's happened. Nothings been normal since age 12. And thanks to that asshole I'll never be the same. I'll always have those scars, and they'll never fade away. Every time I think about it, those scars open up again, as if it was just yesterday that I was going through all that pain and fear. And then I re-live everything again.
Whatever, I'm done being all "depressing" and shit. I know no one likes to actually hear about real shit that happens to people, they just want fake smiles and for everything to be okay, but it's not. The reality is that it's not okay, and I'm not going to pretend that I'm okay just to make your ass feel better.
*VENTING ENDS HERE*
Now the QotD:
*What do you do when you're feeling down?*
Leave answers in the comment section b e l o w
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Laters.
