Craziness xD

Hey all, I'm sorry I haven't posted for a week, but I'm back!

It's been a weird week, I guess. Or well, not that eventful. I don't even really remember what I did, other than going to appointments and my therapist. The only highlight of my week was on Saturday when I slept over my cousin's house. She is very awesome and it had been such a long time since I last saw her. I'm so glad we finally got to hang out.

We watched Scott Pilgrim VS The World and that movie was awesome. All I have to say is that everyone should go watch that movie right NOW. Anyway, after the movie we went to Best Buy so we could bring my cousin's laptop to get fixed. And then I watched my cousin dance to Poker Face by Lady Gaga on Xbox Kinect. That was fun too. I didn't dance though since there were people watching and that makes me anxious. >.>;;

Then we went to Old Country Buffet and there were slushies, which I love. Her dad brought us there to eat and it was pretty cool. When we got home I helped her with History stuff and then we went to bed. I woke up around four in the morning for some reason.

Now let's skip to today. I woke up at six in the morning and I was supposed to see my peer counselor, but she bailed. So now I don't have an appointment today, which makes me both happy and a little frustrated. I was a little mad that she cancelled because the agency that I deal with flips out when I don't have appointments, but how is it my fault that I don't have one if they cancel on me? Whatever.

*VENTING STARTS HERE, SO SKIP IF YOU WANT.*

Oh yeah, and I'm supposed to be going to this place called Career Works, which I'm familiar with because of my mom. If I knew that I was going to have to go there I would have signed up for it weeks ago instead of waiting for this idiot to "let me know" how things play out. I hate waiting. I just want to go back to school and start a job. I want to save up money so I can move out with Tim. I WANT TO START MY LIFE. And I feel like I'm being held back.

Since I'm already ranting, I might as well go on and let it all out.

I am feeling really insecure about my weight, and about my appearance in general. I feel like I'm just putting on more weight and I hate it. (I am putting on more weight, I check that shit.) And when it comes to eating I feel even worse. Sometimes I just eat without even thinking about it, and then I get pissed at myself for not realizing it. I want to lose weight so bad, but I'm the one holding myself back. And I don't even do it intentionally. This is why I started a gym membership, but that shit doesn't work half the time because A.) Tim doesn't "feel" like going. B.) I don't want to go by myself because my anxiety will surface, and C.) I have no one else to fucking go with.

I just want to stop eating in general and go to the gym everyday. Seriously.

Yes, I know that's not good for me. Do I care? No. So don't give me a lecture that I'm not going to listen to. Do us both a favor and don't waste my time.

Next, I hate not having money. Everything I get is either spent on bills, food, or random expenses that magically pop up. (Example: Tim's car.) And because of this I feel like I can't go out with friends, or in general. I don't go to the movies or anything, and I hate going to the mall with friends, not because I don't like spending time with friends, but because I can't buy anything. I hate going to a store and not being able to get anything. I find it pointless. And it doesn't help when other people have money and they buy shit and then I'm just standing there like, oh hai I'm broke. The only reason it's a good thing is because I get to hang with friends. But I would much rather just chill at some one's house.

Now, this one will be the last one I bring up, since I don't think I can handle thinking about anything else.

I keep thinking about that past. Now, most people don't know shit about my past, or anything that has happened to me. But I have nightmares, and they keep happening, every night. Tim is the only person who knows everything, and I don't want to bother him. I've just been getting anxiety attacks much easier, and some of them happen out of the blue. My depression has gotten worse too, sometimes I feel as bad as I used to when I was at my worst. And I don't want to go back to that. I don't want to end up in another hospital that isn't going to help me. I don't want to make my parents worry about me and think that they did something wrong. Because they didn't. And I try to tell them but they don't understand that the problem isn't them, it's me. I just want to be normal.

But that's not possible. Not after all that shit that's happened. Nothings been normal since age 12. And thanks to that asshole I'll never be the same. I'll always have those scars, and they'll never fade away. Every time I think about it, those scars open up again, as if it was just yesterday that I was going through all that pain and fear. And then I re-live everything again.

Whatever, I'm done being all "depressing" and shit. I know no one likes to actually hear about real shit that happens to people, they just want fake smiles and for everything to be okay, but it's not. The reality is that it's not okay, and I'm not going to pretend that I'm okay just to make your ass feel better.

*VENTING ENDS HERE*

Now the QotD:

*What do you do when you're feeling down?*

Leave answers in the comment section b e l o w 


OR if you feel like contacting me directly, about this post, my novel, or just for random feedback- please fill out the form to the right. All suggestions/comments are welcome.

Laters.
 

I'm not sure where to begin. My last post was in December, and now it's almost the end of January and so much has happened.

My friend moved away, and that sucks because I haven't been able to keep in touch with her really. Whenever we talk it's just an exchange of a few sentences and that's it. I don't blame her, I know she just moved to a new place and needs to get settled and all that. I just miss my friend is all.

My birthday passed. It was on the 20th of January, and now I'm twenty years old. My parents took me out to dinner and a movie with my boyfriend and we had some fun. We saw Book of Eli which was pretty good. I liked the concept of the movie, the only thing I disliked was the very ending. But overall it was a good movie and I would recommend it to any of you out there.

I don't feel any different now that I'm twenty. The only thing that really made me aware of it was that I had to celebrate it. Otherwise it would have been just another day. I don't get excited anymore when it comes to my birthday, I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm getting older?

In January I was in the hospital. I had to be taken in because my depression and anxiety was acting up again. That and I've been having nightmares, which is completely new and terrifying. Mostly because when I wake up I'm still in a state of shock and my anxiety skyrockets. I hate it. I did get out of the hospital in better shape than when I went in, so that's good. I saw my primary care physician and he's running some tests. And I've also been going back to therapy which gets me out of the house. And my doctor wants to talk to my therapist which I thought was a bit weird, but whatever. I'm also going to see a psychiatrist so I can get the medication that I need to take and fix my doses that I'm taking now. That's not until February 19th, though. Then there's the "social worker" that I need to talk to about services that they can provide. So there's a lot going on right now.

My cousin is coming to my house to sleep over on the first of February. I'm happy that I'm going to have someone to keep me company, because I've been feeling really lonely lately. We should have fun, so I'm looking forward to it. And she's staying a week so I'm happy about that as well.

AS FOR MY WRITING, I have been working on my story since I got back home. I've completed a few more chapters while also doing plot outlines and character profiles. So I have been making progress on that. I've also been reading a lot of books and playing The Sims 3, (which for some reason I'm addicted to- I just love all the customization.)

I will be posting here everyday now that I'm back into a good routine. Even if no one reads, then I'll do it for myself. After all, I need to keep myself happy too. :)

On another note, I'm really looking for some friends, (because my lack of socialization is ridiculous.) So if you'd like to talk, about anything at all, please send me an email! I always love to meet new people.

Hail and Farewell~

*sigh* Good afternoon people! I woke up late, yet again. I messed up my whole sleeping schedule and I have to figure out how to get it back.

So today, I'm going to get started on the character profiles which should be fun because I find it to be similar to a survey, I just need to make sure it's in the character's voices and not my own. Then I will edit a bit if I have to, and continue with writing. I really want to draw for some reason though. I always like to draw the characters for my stories, mostly because it gives me a face to work with and I love to draw so it's a win-win situation. Maybe when I put in my contacts today and I have those two hours of actually being able to see clearly I'll take that as a chance to draw. :] (unless my eyes get irritated, then the whole plan would backfire!)

It's already 1:11 PM and I really dislike that I haven't been waking up at 6 AM like I used to. I'm going to try and get that schedule back, because the way it is now I feel like I don't have enough time in the day. I think I know how to fix it though, I just need to make sure I stay up the whole day and not take any naps so that I'll be tired at night and not in the day. Either that or I could take a Trazedone to put me to sleep. But I hate relying on pills so I'll try the first idea. So hopefully it will work!

I did get to read Vampire Diaries, but I didn't read much. So far though it's alright. After all, I'm in the beginning and that's where everything is introduced so I have to be patient for the "OMG that was cool" parts. I plan to read some more of it before I go to sleep.

I've also been thinking and I've come to the conclusion that I have to get out more. I want to make plans and stick to them. I need to spend time with my friends, and I need to do this soon because I'm tired of being a hermit. My cousin is reliable, so that's good. I just have to figure out how I'm going to get a ride there. Because she lives fourty minutes away from me. The thing that's cool though is that when I asked her if I could come over she said anytime, so I'm going to take her up on that offer. I have to get out of this house!

On another note, I think I'm going to take my leave now. I feel rushed for some reason. So off to get some work done!

Thanks for reading, like always! :]